Return of the Attack of the Friendster Spammers.

Sorry about not posting that often. Something has come up in my life that has occupied most of my time. I'll tell you about it in a future blog post.

But in the last few week, I have gotten an upswing in Friendster spam, from hoochies (or rather, the porn sites that employ them) trying to pry on my being a lonesome, awkward man (which I am, except I am married and not interested in Internet hoochies). The spammers have upped their game, which doesn't make it any less mock worthy.

The first spam message came from a "woman" named "Jaqueline" (note the name):

Hi, I'm Dani! I'm short and blonde and covered in piercings lol. Music and art is a huge part of who i am and I live for creative expression . I'm a rockstar on the outside and a hippie at heart. My friends would describe me as cute and loveable [LINK REDACTED] , and pretty darn freaky.

• First off, lonely, horny men are gullible, not stupid. When the name in the first sentence doesn't match the one on the profile, you have lost about 90% of your target demographic. Why even include a name if you are not going to make sure they match up!?! 
• Needless to say, the picture attached to the message shows a brunette woman with nary a piercing. As a matter of fact, the same picture was used in two other Spam e-mails I got this week, C'mon, spammers! Put some effort into it!
• Interesting that they kept it mostly clean until the very end, and even then it is not as bad as it could be.
• Yet, the whole message is her talking about herself with no provocation. Lonely men would even think this is a bit odd.
• And love how the link just comes with warning or no information what it is. Subtle.  

Second spam, from a "woman" named "Annemarie".

I've been married for a while now and the magic just doesn't seem to be there anymore lol. I would love to feel like I am lusted after again. I want a man who is going to lust after me all the time. I've been a very bad girl, I think you should spank me ... Please. I am very real, so please be real too! I have to tell you I've gotten very hot just writing this [LINK REDACTED], so please don't keep me waiting.

• That LOL at the end of the first sentence really sells the heartbreak of Annemarie's situation, doesn't it?
• Annemarie is big into lust, isn't she?
• Spanking? Very cheeky!
• Ah, the old "I'm Real so you be real" trick. It would be more effective if you didn't have the same photo as the message before and after you (and another one changed their photo to the same one so there is four different spam e-mails with the same picture. Do they ever get any business?)
• Yes, that's the kind of woman I want. One who gets hot by telling me how bad their marriage is.

Third spam, from a "woman" named "Alisa":

Ok people here goes, twenty five tight girl desperately wants plain fellow to engage in great gushing sex ^o^. Looking for a fun guy or couple to play with. I am not looking for a relationship. You must be willing to have an e-mail [LINK REDACTED], IM, phone relationship for a short time before I will meet you in person . I will respond to the emails with pictures of myself.

• Now, this is brilliant. Gets right to the point. Uses both the word "tight" and "gushing" in the same sentence. Willing to accept couples.Doesn't want a relationship. Offers the possibility for a face to face meeting.
• Too bad it has the same photo as the other e-mails. Kinda spoils the illusion right there.
• And I'm sure the picture she sends will be of herself. They'll probably not all be of the same woman.  Or of women.

Fourth spam, from "Colette":

I love the rain. I enjoy going to school ^o^. I enjoy speding time with my family and also going out with friends. Im going to school to be a chartered accountant . I want to start my own accounting office. Im in a relationship but we are looking for some fun to spice up our relationship [LINK REDACTED]

• Really, too much information. I doubt anyone said "wow, I have a fantasy about having anonymous internet sex with a chartered accountant. Who likes the rain."
• I guess the "I'm in a relationship" line was included to enhance the realism, but if this worked at all, I'd think you'd lose a bunch of your prospective clients right there.

Fifth Spam, from "Rebecca":

[LINK REDACTED] is an adult live site :p very nice :p If you are disgusted with the contents of this ..:p Please do not click on it ' and am sorry to disturb you

 

• Kudos for coming right out and saying what you are offering. I feel respected. You aren't trying to trick me with a crafty ruse. I might just click on your site if I had a scintilla of interest in that sort of thing.
• Point also to having a different picture than the rest of the spam e-mails. I like attention to details. It shows job enjoyment to me. 

And as a special bonus, two from April. Both with a subject of "Dear Friend, william Gatevackes,I Need you help!" The first from a "Devon".

hey! can i get your mailing address from ya? i've got something to send you :) [LINK REDACTED]

• Actually, it's "I Need Your Help". I make the same mistake all the time. 
• "Wait a minute, I don't know an Devo...she wants to send me presents? Let me click right away!" 

And from am "Evie":

Thanks! how are you all? [LINK REDACTED] Brody has surgery tomorrow

• I wish I could have been at the brainstorming session at spam central the day this one was sent out; SPAM BOSS: "Business is down and we need to step up or game. Think! What are some reasons that people send e-mails? SPAM WORKER 1: "To Thank people for stuff?" SPAM WORKER 2: "To ask how people are?" SPAM WORKER 3: "Inform them that someone they know is having surgery?" SPAM BOSS: "Perfect. Put all of those in an e-mail and send it out to every fat, ugly man on Friendster."
• I can't figure out if "you all" is refering to my family or just a failed attempt at that Southern colloquialism, "Y'all"
• And Really, is Brody that popular a name that these spammers would believe that every one in the world would know at least one? Really?