I mock the March 2008 Marvel soliciatations

Another round of me trying the wring sarcastic humor out of the big two's offerings for March. First up, Marvel:

ULTIMATE HUMAN #3 (of 4)
Written by WARREN ELLIS
Pencils & Cover by CARY NORD
Continuing the ultimate collision between Iron Man and the Hulk! Who is Peter Wisdom, and what does he want with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner? And why can't either hero tap into the powers of their alter egos? Be there as Warren Ellis (ULTIMATE GALACTUS) and Cary Nord (Conan) unleash the fireworks at Ironworks!
32 PGS./Rated T+ ...$2.99

• You can tell that the Ultimate line has totally lost sight of it's mission statement--which was to be more accessible that the mainstream Marvel line--when they introduce the Ultimate Pete Wisdom. What's next? The Ultimate Mahkizmo?

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #552
Written by BOB GALE
Pencils & Cover by PHIL JIMENEZ
Variant Cover by ADI GRANOV
BRAND NEW DAY continues with two new web-slingin' creators: Oscar-nominated screenwriter Bob (Back to the Future) Gale and artist extraordinaire Phil (NEW X-MEN, Infinite Crisis) Jimenez! What starts as a petty theft from a local Soup Kitchen turns into a chase that results in the birth of a brand-freaking-new Spidey villain -- and we mean "Freak" literally! Plus: more JJJ! More Daily Bugle -- oops, we mean DB! Repercussions from the actions of new villain, Menace! Curt Connors! And -- what you've really been waiting for, true believer -- Peter Parker does his own laundry! Will those stains come out? And what ARE those stains anyway? Find out in "Just Blame Spider-Man!"
32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

• See! If he had a wife, those stains wouldn't be a plot point! Strike one against Quesada's "Marriage is Bad" crusade!

AVENGERS FAIRY TALES #1 (of 4)
Written by C.B. CEBULSKI
Pencils by JOÃO LEMOS
Cover by CLAIRE WENDLING
The critically-acclaimed line of Marvel Fairy Tales continues with a coming-of-age tale inspired by the timeless classic Peter Pan! When Wanda and Pietro are swept away to Neverland by the boy who never grows up, they find themselves pulled into a situation beyond their wildest dreams. However, as fairies and lost boys become locked in battle with a vicious pirate captain and his crew, the two children must accept that sometimes fantasy is not always an escape from reality. See Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and the rest of the Avengers as you've never seen them before!
32 PGS./All Ages ...$2.99

• Yes, I'm getting it. It has the Avengers in the title, doesn't it?

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #11
Written by DAN SLOTT & CHRISTOS GAGE
Pencils by STEFANO CASELLI
Cover by STEVE UY
"Killed in Action" Part 4 of 4
Worst Case Scenario
By now you know who KIA is, what he wants, and who he's killed.
Initiative regulars, new recruits, and big name characters: no one's been safe. And that's never been more true than here at the bitter end. Join what's left of the Initiative as they and the MIGHTY AVENGERS try to stop their greatest threat.
32 PGS./Rated T+ ...$2.99

• Wait a minute! The Initiative is being hassled by a South Korean Automotive manufacturer? Man, Marvel is really getting weak with its villains.

FANTASTIC FOUR #555
Written by MARK MILLAR
Pencils & Cover by BRYAN HITCH
WORLD'S GREATEST Part 2
THE EARTH IS DOOMED!
Buy this issue for a first-look at mankind's new home. Also, the Torch gets nekkid with a super-villain.
32 PGS./Rated T+ ...$2.99

• Ah, Millar. Creating awkward plotlines that should be reflected in the rest of the Marvel line but probably won't and sexing up what should be a family friendly book. Way to go! You're in mid-run form! All we need is for this issue to come out in July and we'll be all set!

DAREDEVIL #106
Written by ED BRUBAKER
Penciled by MIKE PERKINS
Cover by MARKO DJURDJEVIC
MATT MURDOCK FACES A LONG NIGHT OF THE SOUL!
Reeling from the events of last issue, Matt Murdock struggles to come to grips with all the things we can't tell you about because they would spoil the ending of the previous arc. Drifting into anger and depression, Daredevil stalks the streets of Hell's Kitchen, looking for bad guys to take it out on...but is he really just taking it out on himself? By Harvey and Eisner-Winning Best Writer Ed Brubaker and special guest artist Mike Perkins (CAPTAIN AMERICA)!

• What are they not telling us? Probably that Milla is dead. Because dating Matt Murdock is the leading killer of women aged 21-35 in New York City.

HULK #3
Written by JEPH LOEB
Pencils & Cover by ED MCGUINNESS
Variant Cover by MARKO DJURDJEVIC
Not a flashback! Not a dream! Together again for the first time! The battle you NEVER thought you'd see -- The Hulk Vs. The Abomination! But...wait, we've seen that lots of times! Well... No you HAVE NOT. And it isn't just because superstars Jeph Loeb & Ed McGuinness are bringing it to you for the first time -- it's because if you've been reading the Hulk (yes, we know there's one or two of you), it CAN'T be possible! But it is -- AND IN COLOR -- LOTS OF THEM! The pulse-pounding, gamma-spawned action adventure continues in Hulk #3!!!
32 PGS./Rated A...$2.99

• Actually, knowing Jeph Loeb's piss poor respect for continuity, he will probably make this the first time that the Abomination ever fought a Hulk. Oh, and that both of them are decended from an ancient tribe of wolves.

THE LAST DEFENDERS #1 (of 6)
Written by JOE CASEY
Pencils by JIM MUNIZ
Cover by STEVE MCNIVEN
At long last, the team book you've been waiting for! The return of the Defenders! (no trademark infringement here!) And look who's on the team: The mutant Colossus! The sensational She-Hulk! The unpredicatable Blazing Skull! An all-new lineup led by the enigmatic Nighthawk! Injected into the heart of the modern Marvel Universe, the Defenders have been reformed to serve a specific policital purpose...but is there a greater destiny in store for this crew? It's hi-octane superheroics mainlined right into your fanboy brain!
32 PGS./Rated T+...$2.99

• How did they pick this team? Some kind of lottery? Did they write character names on ping pong balls and put some of them in a bingo mixer? I'm still buying it, but really.

MARVEL ADVENTURES HULK #9
Written by Paul Benjamin
Pencils & Cover by Steve Scott
Bruce Banner's old friend, Dr. Leonard Samson, is now a gamma-powered strongman working with Betty Ross to cure Bruce. But what dark secret will push Bruce over the edge? See: Hulk battle the green-haired goliath, Doc Samson! Thrill: as Bruce is reunited with the love of his life, Betty Ross! Cringe: As Rick Jones gives Doc Samson a piece of his mind! Witness: Monkey on the psychiatrist's couch!
32 PGS./All Ages ...$2.99

• Monkey on a psychiatrist's couch! I am so there, dude!

SECRET INVASION SAGA
Written by JOHN RHETT THOMAS
Cover by LEINIL YU
The Secret Invasion has been underway for years. For how long and to what extent, Tony Stark is not sure, but there is one thing he does know: Now is not the time for complacency. Following hot on the heels of the stunning revelation that Skrulls have been masquerading as Elektra and Black Bolt, Stark puts his best data-mining technology to the test to piece together their treacherous plot. From their first encounter with the Fantastic Four, through the epic clash of the Kree/Skrull War and the destruction of the Skrull Throneworld, all the way to the recent Annihilation War and subsequent invasion of Earth, the timeline of known Skrull activity is made clear so effective battle plans can be drawn. With the Classified Top Secret Secret Invasion Saga report, the new Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. must leave no stone unturned in his analysis of this insidious enemy's history: The fate of the Earth will depend on it!
32 PGS./ Rated T+ ...FREE!

• I'm sure this will tell you everything you need to know about the "Secret Invasion" (The entire history of the Skrulls at Marvel) but nothing you want to know (What other hero is a Skrull.). Can't beat the price, though.

MIGHTY AVENGERS #10
Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS
Pencils & Cover by MARK BAGLEY
Iron Man and the Sentry are stuck in the past with none other than Doctor Doom. Any interaction with anything or anyone could jeopardize the future of the Marvel Universe! Can Tony Stark trust Victor Von Doom to help get them back to the present before the Sentry has a complete meltdown? Guest starring the Fantastic Four's ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing!
32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

MIGHTY AVENGERS #11
Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS
Penciled by MARK BAGLEY
Cover by FRANK CHO
Get ready to see an Avengers/Doctor Doom knock-down drag-out! And we promise an ending you've never seen in the history of Doom! All this and the Secret Invasion is upon us! Marvel Comics says sayonara to longtime penciler Mark Bagley with this bombastic storyline!
32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

• I love how this title went from two issues in six months to two issues in one month. I think Bagley is just showing off. Man, it is going to be weird seeing Bagley at DC.

MS. MARVEL #25
Written by BRIAN REED
Penciled by ADRIANA MELO
Cover by GREG HORN
The record-setting 25th issue is here, and it's super-sized! Is Ms. Marvel on the front lines of the Secret Invasion... or is she part of the invasion?! Brian Reed (CAPTAIN MARVEL) welcomes new series artist Adriana Melo onboard as Ms. Marvel begins her third year of action and adventure!
48 PGS./Rated T+ ...$3.99

• I also love how giddy Marvel is at this book hitting 25 issues, one more than the previous series. It makes me smile.

NOVA #11
Written by DAN ABNETT & ANDY LANNING
Penciled by PAUL PELLETIER
Cover by ALEX MALEEV
Rocketing from the pages of ANNIHILATION: CONQUEST, a new story begins, featuring the debut of new cover artist Alex Maleev (HALO: UPRISING) and new interior artist Paul Pelletier (FANTASTIC FOUR)! Nova finally reaches the end of his quest...but will his techno infection take him out before a surprise former fan--favorite guest--star can attempt to save the day? Before the Human Rocket jets back into the pages of CONQUEST, now is the time to jump onboard and find out why ComicPants.com says "this series just keeps getting better."
32 PGS./Rated T+ ...$2.99

• Heh. Heh. You said "ComicPants"

CABLE #1
Written by DUANE SWIERCZYNSKI
Pencils & Cover by ARIEL OLIVETTI
Variant Cover by ROB LIEFELD
"ARMS," Part 1
A new ongoing series spinning out of the decade's biggest X-Men event! The future of mutantkind starts here!
"Messiah CompleX" changed the X-Men forever. But no one's world has been rocked as hard as Cable, the time-traveling mutant from the future. He's been charged with the one mission that could save all of mutantkind -- or, if he fails, damn it to extinction. And hot on his trail is a relentless enemy who won't stop until blood is spilled. No matter where...or when...Cable runs. Brought to you by the dynamic team of Duane Swierczysnki (MOON KNIGHT ANNUAL) and Ariel Olivetti (PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL).
32 PGS./Rated T+ ...$2.99

• Take one crime novelist who isn't as famous as you'd like to think he is (but you still promote him like he was Tom Clancy and John Grisham put together), add an artist who is talented but will last for about six issues before he either leaves or starts becoming late, and have them work on a character that is an example of the worst the 1990's had to offer and what do you get? A whole lot of "eh!"

X-FORCE #2
Written by CHRISTOPHER YOST & CRAIG KYLE
Pencils & Cover by CLAYTON CRAIN
With one of their own already fallen, X-Force is out for blood. More blood. And they'll stop at nothing to bring an end to the PURIFIERS' plan to resurrect one of the X-Men's greatest foes... It's all-out war, with no quarter asked--and none given.
32 PGS./Parental Advisory ...$2.99

• Yeah, I don't know if it's a good thing that the team of Yost and Kyle have become synonymus with blood. Man, haven't they killed enough in New X-Men?

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS #10
Written by Jeff Parker
Penciled by CLAYTON HENRY
Cover by John Romita Jr.
"Hey Cyclops!"
"Huh?"
"Why're ya so dang boring?"
"I dunno."
"Well...if we give ya a whole issue of First Class, do you
promise to be cool?"
"Ok."
"Deal!"
32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

• Maybe one of the reasons why First Class isn't selling that well is the tact Marvel is taking with the solicitations. How do you expect anybody to by the book when you that the "Aw, forget about it" ploy of just having the solicitations done in a lame dialogue month after month. I mean, this month's turns me away more than makes me want to pick up the issue. You want to know why? Because you call the star of the issue boring right there in the solicitations! Add to that the dialogue just doesn't work and you get the impression that Marvel just doesn't care if anybody picks up the book.

WOLVERINE: FIRST CLASS #1
Written by FRED VAN LENTE
Penciled by ANDREA DI VITO
Cover by SALVADOR ESPIN
Return with us again to the early days of the all-new, all-different, X-Men for all-new solo adventures of Wolverine and Kitty Pryde! The next generation of students has arrived at Xavier's School--Colossus, Storm, Nightcrawler, and the mysterious Wolverine--and with them, new teaching methods. Professor X pairs up green recruit Kitty Pryde with the been-everywhere, done-everything vet Logan, and neither of them are all that happy about it. But unless they learn to work together, neither of them will come back from their first mission together alive!
32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

• I came into the X-Men right about the time the whole Kitty Pryde/Wolverine bonding was taking place. As a matter of fact, I have a story idea that explain why Wolvie is so friendly with teenage girls (not in THAT way! Get you minds out of the gutter!). But it should be interesting to see how this book turns out.

WOLVERINE #63
Written by JASON AARON
Pencils & Cover by RON GARNEY
In the aftermath of "Messiah CompleX," Wolverine's quest for vengeance continues, taking him from the desolate hills of Afghanistan to the war-torn streets of Baghdad. Along the way, with his quarry throwing more and more innocents into the line of fire, Wolverine must ask himself: just how much collateral damage can he live with?
32 PGS./Parental Advisory ...$2.99

• Okay, not that I mind all that much, being a fan of Jason Aaron and all, but what happened to Marc Guggenheim? I thought he was the ongoing writer on the series? Does he really need a break after just one arc? Or was that all that he was on for?

LOGAN #1 (of 3)
Written by BRIAN K. VAUGHAN
Art & Cover by EDUARDO RISSO
Superstar artist Eduardo Risso (100 Bullets) joins critically acclaimed writer Brian K. Vaughan (TV's LOST, Y: The Last Man) for a unique take on the man who's the best there is at what he does. Finally armed with long-lost memories from his past, Wolverine returns to one of his first battlefields to settle an old score in an all-new adventure with a shocking revelation about the man known as Logan.
32 PGS./Cardstock Cover/Parental Advisory ...$3.99

• I got two different feelings after reading this solicitation. The first was "Yay! Finally! The Vaughan/Risso take on Wolvie arrives!". The second was "Is Marvel crazy for starting two new Wolverine series in the same month?".

PUNISHER #55
Written by GARTH ENNIS
Penciled by GORAN PARLOV
Cover by TIM BRADSTREET
"VALLEY FORGE, VALLEY FORGE: THE SLAUGHTER OF A U.S. MARINE GARRISON AND THE BIRTH OF THE PUNISHER," PART 1
Garth Ennis concludes his seminal run on PUNISHER -- in style. Thirty-five years ago, the Fifth Cavalry disgorged their troops on an isolated Vietnamese hilltop and was met by a scene of utter devastation. The final body count ran to well over seven-hundred -- almost 200 hundred of them American soldiers. Standing alone amidst the carnage, a sole survivor: Captain Frank Castle, who years later would be known as the most fearsome vigilante to walk the Earth: The Punisher. Now the Punisher is about to face his stiffest test: He's hunted big game in his day, but none as big as this. Five men with unlimited resources. Men who'd put anything between themselves and the Punisher's bullet. Men who know exactly who he is...and how to fight him.
32 PGS./Explicit Content ...$2.99

• Ennis leaving the Punisher? That is the definition of "bad news".

WAR IS HELL: THE FIRST FLIGHT OF THE PHANTOM EAGLE #1 (of 5)
Written by GARTH ENNIS
Penciled by HOWARD CHAYKIN
Cover by JOHN CASSADAY
Set against the grim backdrop of Word War I, mysterious aviator Karl Kaufmann arrives on the western front dressed outlandishly and at the controls of his own plane. Overconfident and full of romantic ideals, he has come to fight and kill the Hun. But soon Kaufmann confronts staggering loss and witnesses violence on a scale he has never imagined. In the process, he learns the harsh truth of conflict: war is hell. Written by Garth Ennis and drawn by Howard Chaykin.
32 PGS./Cardstock Cover/Explicit Content ...$3.99

• Damn you, Marvel!!!! I would have had no interest in getting a Phantom Eagle series. What do you do? Have Garth Ennis write it. And have Howard Chaykin draw it. And have it be a MAX series (and if there were a team of creators just crying out for the MAX imprint it would be Ennis and Chaykin). And, to top it off, you have John Cassady do the covers! Now, I must buy it! I Hate you Marvel!

ESSENTIAL OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE
MARVEL UNIVERSE - MASTER EDITION VOL. 1 TPB
Written by LEN KAMINSKI, JAMIE TOST, MARK GRUENWALD &
GLENN HERDLING
Penciled by KEITH POLLARD
Cover by KEITH POLLARD
Heroes, villains, gods, demons, sorcerers, scientists, monsters, mobsters and a talking duck: More than one thousand dynamic dossiers, collected in alphabetical order for the first time across three volumes! From mutants to martial arts, street crime to space opera, espionage to other dimensions, horror to humor, the past to the future, no corner of Marvel is left untouched! Super-team rosters and histories, alien race outlines and so much more! Get to know the Universe now! Collecting material from the OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE -- MASTER EDITION #1-36.
592 PGS./Rated A ...$16.99
ISBN: 978-0-7851-2730-7

• This makes my heart smile.