Cablevision sucks.

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Every year, I make a point of watching the Academy Awards. It goes back to when my mother was alive and we used to watch them together. It was always our tradition, and one I've carried out long after she passed. I missed most of them last year because my friends came up to the city to celebrate their birthday, but it looks like I'm going to miss them again this year. No, not another birthday celebration. No, I'm not going to be able to watch them because of a pissing contest between my local cable company, Cablevision, and ABC. Over an hour ago, ABC has pulled their signal from the air.

The issue basically is that ABC wants Cablevision to pay for the right to air the network on its cable systems. Cablevision is saying that ABC is free through the air and they should have to pay for it (even though they charge for subscribers for it as part of their Basic cable package).

Do I have a horse in this race? Yes, ABC. Because Cablevision is the most annoying, cheapest cable system I have ever dealt with.

The cable system just got done with a lengthy battle with HGTV and the Food Network over their request for a rate increase. That battle last three weeks and the networks were off the air during that whole time.

Cablevision not wanting to pay for networks is an old story with the company. The outlet services most of the area surrounding New York City, but we don't get the NFL Network. I've sent e-mails to them requesting it, but they haven't added it. Because it's too expensive for them. My friends back in Pennsylvania all have the network, and the area they live in is way smaller than where I live. Funny how those cable companies were able to swing the costs but one servicing one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the world can't find the money.

Cablevision has been fighting this war for the last week in the most annoying way. Every time you turn on the cable box, it aoutomatically takes you to their proaganda station. It's a station where they make their case against ABC with a loop of a person telling you why ABC is evil for asking for what they are asking. Who cares if you really don't want to hear it or you have programmed the TV to come on to a certain channel for a reason. You will hear what Cablevision has to say whether you like it or not.

The argument the make is the typical double-talk and half-truth gobbledygook that most corporations doing spin control use. They make a point that ABC is asking for an extra $40 million for their rights. That sounds like a lot, right? Well, it actuially comes down to about $1 per household. Now, if my math is correct, that means Cablevision is in about 40 million homes. Let's say the average cable bill in these homes is $40 per month. I'm sure some pay less, some pay more, but lets make that an average. That means that Cablevision make $1.6 billion (with a "B") a year. And they are moaning about a paltry $40 million?

 

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The next argument is that ABC wants the money to help pay their executives' high salaries and bonuses. Because, you know, executive getting paid a lot is unpopular in Obama's America or something. But Cablevision isn't run by a family in Brooklyn. It's not like Dad got a good deal on a whole lot of cable wiring in the 70s and decided to open a cable company. It's not like today Mom does the books, the son does the instalations, and sissy does customer service. Cablevision is  a multi-billion dollar company. The partly own Madison Square Garden, Radio City Music Hall, the Fuse Network, The New York Knicks, The New York Rangers, and Clearview Cinemas. I'm sure their executive get big salaries and bonus just like ABC.

The next thing they come up with is that ABC wants a raise to make up for their flagging theme parks. The funny thing is, they never mention Disney, ABC's parent company, by name. I wonder why.

But the same can be said for why Cablevision doesn't want to pony up the dough. Take the Knicks for example. They are having a rotten season and people haven't been coming to games. How do I know this? Because I keep getting barraged by e-mail containing special offers to come out to games. They can't give the seats away. I'd think ticket sales for the Knicks have to be doing far worse than ticket sales for any of the Disney parks.

The best part about this is that Cablevision is making it out like they have our best interests in hand. Like, they are fighting this because so they don't have to raise or charges. Which would have worked if we got our cable bill lowered or prorated because HGTV & Food Network were off the air. But the bill didn't go down to my knowledge. So, they charged us the same amount for January even though we were down two channels. Yeah, they are more interest in profit margins than their customers.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking: Bill, you have other options. No, I don't really. I live in a condo that prohibits satellite dishes be installed on its roof because, I quote, they don't want the condo to "look like the Bronx." So that leaves out DirecTV and Dish network. Verizon FIOS doesn't come here either, so that's out. And since the condo is one big concrete block, going the antenna route is not going to work either. We can get no stations in here without going through cable. So I'm pretty much stuck.

Grrr.

 

Film: Avatar

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The wife and I used a surprise offer of baby sitting to become two of the last people on Earth to see Avatar. Granted, I am sure that we are not the very last, but whoever that is they should win a prize or something. Like 1% of the gross.

On a visual level, the film is brilliant. It is world building on a level never before seen. Yes, many of the alien animals have mirror on out planet, but all of them are well designed and look weird and unique.

The story, however, is rather pedestrian. It's you basic "man goes undercover, finds love on the other side, realizes that he might be working for the bad guys, has a change of heart" with a preachy eco-friendly subplot attached. The characters aren't all that well defined. The pacing is a bit off. It's still a good movie, but not perfect by any means.

 

Film/DVD:Zombieland

Zombieland

Zombieland is really two movies, one good, one kinda bad. Luckily, the good half is so great it makes up for the failings of the other half.

The film tells the story of a world overrun by zombies. Apparently, Mad Cow disease was way more fatal here than it was in real life. Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), a video game playing virgin college student, trying to get to his Ohio home from his college in Texas. Along the way, he meets up with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a man who is after two things;killing as many zombies as he can and the last twinkie on Earth. Both men meet up with two grifter sisters named Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) and they all travel to California together.

Since it is a zombie comedy, people compare this film to Shaun of the Dead. But it really isn't the same. Zombieland is more nihilistic. The laughs are here, but it's more about survival than anything else. You get the feeling that these people are the only ones left on Earth.

The direction is great and innovative. Slow-motion is this film's friend, and is used for the zombie stripper sequence (yes, there is a zombie stripper in this film) and other places. Columbus comes up with rules, and the words of the rules appear on screen and interact with the action that is going on. And there is a cameo by a huge movie star playing himself in the middle, and the fact that he is written into the script is a bold movie by the writers.

The gore content is amped up to a high level, as you would expect from a zombie film. A zombie actually breaks a leg in half to drink the marrow. That is impressive. And these are the fast running zombies, which some zombie fans do not like.

Of course, there are flaws, major flaws. The rules involving how people succumb to the disease is never truly explained. In one scene, Columbus comforts a neighbor who was bitten. She naps for a few minutes, yet wakes up a zombie. So, you get the idea it takes a bit of time to turn. But in the opening credits, a bunch of kids, a bride on her wedding day, and, yes, the stripper who appears to be at work are all shown as being zombiefied, and the change seems to have happened almost instantaneously. This confusion might not seem like all that big of a deal, but it is a bit concerning to fans of the genre.

Tallahassee spends half the movie being a badass zombie killer. This, of course, makes him a cool character and one we root for. He has a bunch of character quirks that define him as they do all the other characters. However, halfway through the movie, he gets a flashback that adds an air of tragedy to his backstory. This changes the whole dimension of the character, his motivations and why he does what he does. he becomes more fleshed out and more believeable. He goes from a kickass zombie slayer to a tortured human being and his character goes from being a fun diversion to being the best part about the whole movie.

Unfortunately, the other characters, even Columbus, doesn't get the same treatment. Even though Columbus is our narrator and our focal point, we are drawn more to Tallahassee because we know more about him.

And the film's climax is brought about by a tactic that I find very annoying, the one Roger Ebert calls "The Idiot Plot". It's where the plot would not be advanced if the characters do not act like idiots. It is established that the zombies are attracted to light and sound. So, what do two of what were the smartest characters in film up to this point do? They break in to an abandoned Disneyland-esque amusement park and turn on all the rides, providing a lot of loud music, gear rattling and flashing lights to attract the zombies. In other words, they acted like idiots.

But even this was not enough to ruin my overall feeling towards the movie. The parts that worked and showed wit and inventiveness were enough to push to like it in spite of all its flaws.

Film: G.I. Joe

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I wasn't 100% percent sure about this movie until half way through it. That is when the Joes chased the Cobra operatives through the streets of Paris. That chase scene is so over-the-top absurd that it approached awesome. Seriously, SUV's that would make James Bond drool being attacked by a ninja wielding swords and a gun being chase by two guys running in Iron Man-esque suits that give them Spider-Man like abilities. That is totally silly and, therefore, a lot of fun.

G.I. Joe is not a great movie. You can argue that it isn't even a good movie. But it is entertaining, that's for sure. But the film does try to be anything else but a pleasant diversion.

This is not a subtle, nuanced film. It works in wide brush strokes and familiar tropes--the star-crossed lovers, the man looking for vengeance for his slain father figure, the cocky hero who can pretty much do anything, the comic relief sidekick.

The better actors in the cast know what they're dealing with and relax and ham it up. The lesser actors in the cast also relax and do the best job they can.

This is a mindless fun type of movie. If you are looking for a weighty film that you can dissect, examine and look for metaphor in, you will be disappointed. There are holes in this film that you can drive a Mack Truck through. But if you are looking for a fun action movie that you do not have to think for, then this is a good choice.  

 

Return of the Attack of the Friendster Spammers.

Sorry about not posting that often. Something has come up in my life that has occupied most of my time. I'll tell you about it in a future blog post.

But in the last few week, I have gotten an upswing in Friendster spam, from hoochies (or rather, the porn sites that employ them) trying to pry on my being a lonesome, awkward man (which I am, except I am married and not interested in Internet hoochies). The spammers have upped their game, which doesn't make it any less mock worthy.

The first spam message came from a "woman" named "Jaqueline" (note the name):

Hi, I'm Dani! I'm short and blonde and covered in piercings lol. Music and art is a huge part of who i am and I live for creative expression . I'm a rockstar on the outside and a hippie at heart. My friends would describe me as cute and loveable [LINK REDACTED] , and pretty darn freaky.

• First off, lonely, horny men are gullible, not stupid. When the name in the first sentence doesn't match the one on the profile, you have lost about 90% of your target demographic. Why even include a name if you are not going to make sure they match up!?! 
• Needless to say, the picture attached to the message shows a brunette woman with nary a piercing. As a matter of fact, the same picture was used in two other Spam e-mails I got this week, C'mon, spammers! Put some effort into it!
• Interesting that they kept it mostly clean until the very end, and even then it is not as bad as it could be.
• Yet, the whole message is her talking about herself with no provocation. Lonely men would even think this is a bit odd.
• And love how the link just comes with warning or no information what it is. Subtle.  

Second spam, from a "woman" named "Annemarie".

I've been married for a while now and the magic just doesn't seem to be there anymore lol. I would love to feel like I am lusted after again. I want a man who is going to lust after me all the time. I've been a very bad girl, I think you should spank me ... Please. I am very real, so please be real too! I have to tell you I've gotten very hot just writing this [LINK REDACTED], so please don't keep me waiting.

• That LOL at the end of the first sentence really sells the heartbreak of Annemarie's situation, doesn't it?
• Annemarie is big into lust, isn't she?
• Spanking? Very cheeky!
• Ah, the old "I'm Real so you be real" trick. It would be more effective if you didn't have the same photo as the message before and after you (and another one changed their photo to the same one so there is four different spam e-mails with the same picture. Do they ever get any business?)
• Yes, that's the kind of woman I want. One who gets hot by telling me how bad their marriage is.

Third spam, from a "woman" named "Alisa":

Ok people here goes, twenty five tight girl desperately wants plain fellow to engage in great gushing sex ^o^. Looking for a fun guy or couple to play with. I am not looking for a relationship. You must be willing to have an e-mail [LINK REDACTED], IM, phone relationship for a short time before I will meet you in person . I will respond to the emails with pictures of myself.

• Now, this is brilliant. Gets right to the point. Uses both the word "tight" and "gushing" in the same sentence. Willing to accept couples.Doesn't want a relationship. Offers the possibility for a face to face meeting.
• Too bad it has the same photo as the other e-mails. Kinda spoils the illusion right there.
• And I'm sure the picture she sends will be of herself. They'll probably not all be of the same woman.  Or of women.

Fourth spam, from "Colette":

I love the rain. I enjoy going to school ^o^. I enjoy speding time with my family and also going out with friends. Im going to school to be a chartered accountant . I want to start my own accounting office. Im in a relationship but we are looking for some fun to spice up our relationship [LINK REDACTED]

• Really, too much information. I doubt anyone said "wow, I have a fantasy about having anonymous internet sex with a chartered accountant. Who likes the rain."
• I guess the "I'm in a relationship" line was included to enhance the realism, but if this worked at all, I'd think you'd lose a bunch of your prospective clients right there.

Fifth Spam, from "Rebecca":

[LINK REDACTED] is an adult live site :p very nice :p If you are disgusted with the contents of this ..:p Please do not click on it ' and am sorry to disturb you

 

• Kudos for coming right out and saying what you are offering. I feel respected. You aren't trying to trick me with a crafty ruse. I might just click on your site if I had a scintilla of interest in that sort of thing.
• Point also to having a different picture than the rest of the spam e-mails. I like attention to details. It shows job enjoyment to me. 

And as a special bonus, two from April. Both with a subject of "Dear Friend, william Gatevackes,I Need you help!" The first from a "Devon".

hey! can i get your mailing address from ya? i've got something to send you :) [LINK REDACTED]

• Actually, it's "I Need Your Help". I make the same mistake all the time. 
• "Wait a minute, I don't know an Devo...she wants to send me presents? Let me click right away!" 

And from am "Evie":

Thanks! how are you all? [LINK REDACTED] Brody has surgery tomorrow

• I wish I could have been at the brainstorming session at spam central the day this one was sent out; SPAM BOSS: "Business is down and we need to step up or game. Think! What are some reasons that people send e-mails? SPAM WORKER 1: "To Thank people for stuff?" SPAM WORKER 2: "To ask how people are?" SPAM WORKER 3: "Inform them that someone they know is having surgery?" SPAM BOSS: "Perfect. Put all of those in an e-mail and send it out to every fat, ugly man on Friendster."
• I can't figure out if "you all" is refering to my family or just a failed attempt at that Southern colloquialism, "Y'all"
• And Really, is Brody that popular a name that these spammers would believe that every one in the world would know at least one? Really?

Book: Thirty-Nine Years of Short-Term Memory Loss by Tom Davis

39 Years of Short-Term Memory Loss: The Early Days of SNL from Someone Who Was There

Tom Davis

I am a huge fan of Saturday Night Live, especially the early days, so I eat up anything to do with that era of the show. This autobiography falls into that category.

Tom Davis, as few of you may know, was part of the comedy team "Franken and Davis" with current Minnesota Senator Al Franken. Both became writers on the first five years of SNL and were also featured performers during that time as well. They also came back for a second stint in the 80s-90s.

This autobiography is unlike any that I have ever read. It reads less as a form of narrative than Davis presenting the facts of his life as he thinks of them. He jumps back and forth in time at will where most writers of memoirs would present the facts in strict chronological order.

This gives the book the feel that you are sitting with Davis somewhere and having a conversation with him.

Davis has had an interesting life outside of SNL. The book details his friendship with the Grateful Dead and Timothy Leary, a trip to India, several run ins with the Rolling Stones. There are enough anecdotes in his life that he could fill seven books.

Davis is also an excellent writer. The first mention of John Belushi's death in book is so poignant and moving that you can't help but be affected by Davis' words.

If you are a fan of the early days of SNL, then this book is a must have. He might not have been a break out star on the show, but he lived one hell of an interesting life.

Film: UP

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There is a 5 to 10 minute span at the beginning of this movie where the brilliance of Pixar and the filmmakers really shine through. They show us the life of the main character, Carl Fredricksen, from a child to an elderly man. The filmmakers show us how he became the man he is--his loves, his fears, and the tragedies he lived through. This segment is both funny and sad, heart warming and heart breaking. You could give other artists 3 hours of film time and you wouldn't get the same kind of character portrait you get here. And the boys at Pixar did it all in 10 minutes--with no dialogue and no narration. That was just brilliant.

It's bravura film making. That scene alone should qualify UP for an Oscar. And not an animation Oscar, a real, honest to god, given out at the end of the show Best Picture Oscar.

The story is about dreams and the pursuit of them. This plays out in many forms. About how you shouldn't delay in chasing after the dream. That no dream in impossible or unattainable. But, also, the difference between showing determination and obssession in the pursuit.

This being said, the filmmaker create a world of magic and wonder. It is a world where the implausible becomes the reality.Where imagination is key. Yes, you could go through the entire movie and pinpoint all the things that can conceivably happen, but you won't want to. You'll want to be swept up in the fantasy.

The script and plot is intelligent and engaging. There is a lot going on in this story, and where it goes is imaginative and unlike anything else you'll see this year.

UP is a great movie. I saw it almost 12 hours ago and I still smile when I remember seeing it. It's just perfect.